She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
