Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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