I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
