The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
