and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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