i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
