Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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