It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
someone owes me an orgasm
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
