i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
