So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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