Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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