I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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