Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
