How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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