i always forget guys have bellybuttons
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
