I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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