I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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