That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
