the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
