Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
