Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
The Olympian is in my bed
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
