he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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