just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Randomize
