I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Randomize
