so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I would ride that face into the sunset
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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