I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
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I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...