And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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