you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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