If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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