He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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