I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
