i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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