New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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