I can tuck mytits in my pants
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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