I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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