new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Randomize
