I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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