Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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