I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Go christen that room with your naked body.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
