I could make wine with my vomit
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
