Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
