Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize