Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
