When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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