Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
