he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
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This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
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I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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