Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
