I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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