I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
