You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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