Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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