puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
