I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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