sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Just puked most of my soul out..
There's even glitter on my cock...
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