I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
