I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
