Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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