happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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